


Sail Your Sea, Meet Your Storm

by chronicallyraz



Series: Growing Pains [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Abuse, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, F/M, Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, magnus and alec don't get together until like the end, talking about suicide, the slowest of slow burns, therapist!tessa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-04-30 03:24:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14487771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chronicallyraz/pseuds/chronicallyraz
Summary: After Magnus and Alec break up, he just kind of disappears. Surprisingly, Clary is the only person who knows where he is going. She recommends a mundane therapist to him and maybe now he can get to the actual issues. Magnus and him breaking up, the pressure he feels from everyone, needing to be the perfect son and brother and his parents.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from Vienna Teng's Harbor. This fic deals with themes of depression, anxiety and abuse. If this triggers you, please take care of yourself and take care with reading this. Self-care is always more important!
> 
> This isn't beta'd, so feel free to point out any mistakes I may have made.

Alec feels lost after he and Magnus break up, he isn’t entirely sure who made the final decision and who said those painful words. All he remembers is that he eventually stormed out and the next morning Magnus had delivered all Alec’s possessions to his office. Each word Magnus had said was like a stab to the heart. Things between them had been falling apart for a while, everything had been too much for such a long time. It’s all so overwhelming and he just wants a break. A chance to actually sleep at night and breathe. Everyone wants and needs something from him and it’s eating him up inside. He can’t be what all these people expect him to be, want him to be and need him to be. He just doesn't know how to exist anymore.

 He feels the panic rising in his chest, his heart starts beating faster and his breathing becomes erratic. He wants to run away and he wants to make his head stop pounding, to stop throwing all these useless, painful thoughts at him. He knows he isn’t good enough, he has heard it all his life but he wish his mind would stop reminding him of that fact. He feels the tears forming in his eyes and all he knows is that he must stop them, he can’t look weak. Not in front of the entire institute. They would never take him seriously again. They already doubted his capabilities and judgement enough, he refuses to give them another reason to question his leadership.

 “Alec,” Clary says softly, “Let’s go to your office for a minute.” Her voice is gentle and calm. Like she understands. He doesn’t know how to reply, how to tell her he is grateful. That was something he never expected, not really. So he just nods and follows her. His mind is still threatening to spill over. He is glad she is giving him a way out.

_

Clary makes sure to lock the door behind them. She was fairly certain Alec didn't want anyone to see him like this. She recognises this, the panic and the fear. She’d been there so many times and it didn’t surprise her Alec was in that place too. He felt so responsible for everything and everyone and the break up had hit him hard. When she first met him she had thought he was harsh and mean even, but the more she got to know him the more she understood why. He only wanted to protect the people he loved and there Clary was, threatening their peace and safety.

“Alec, just focus on my voice okay?” She says calmly. He nods in reply again. Good that means he has at least heard her and is able to still take in his surroundings. “Let’s breathe in very calmly and then breathe out slowly, alright?” She says and Alec nods again. His breathing is still very fast she notices and very high in his chest too. She wonders if he has panic attacks often, if he even knows what they are called. It wasn’t in the codex, that was for sure. Perhaps if they had put less prejudiced crap in there, they could have added useful advice instead.

_

Alec manages to focus on Clary, barely but enough. He listens to her voice, indicating how he should try to breathe and it’s nice. It’s calming and he even finds himself able to follow it. It’s strange too, like he has only now learned how to breathe.

“Okay breathe in,” Clary says and she takes a slow, deep breath. Alec mimics her. Notices that she holds her breath for a few seconds, “And out,” She says and slowly counts to 7. They repeat this for a while until Alec feels his breathing become more natural again.

“Let’s sit down,” Clary suggests after they’ve been standing there in silence for a while.

“Thank you,” Alec says after he sits down on the couch in his office.

“Do you have these often?” Clary asks concerned.

“These moments where I just can't breathe, you mean?” Alec replies, “I've kind of always had them but… it's been bad lately.” He decides it’s safe to tell her, after all she has seen him freaking out like this now anyways. She knows so he might as well tell the truth.

“In the mundane world we call them panic attacks.” Clary explains, “I used to get them too, a lot.” For some reason this doesn't surprise him.

“So what did you do about them?” Alec asks curiously. Was there a cure for this then? At this point he would do almost anything to just make it stop. “Because I've been considering going to the silent brothers except they kind of freak me out.” He sighs, “Besides I don't want to tell the Clave just how bad things are.” He doesn’t tell her he is sure they will use it as an excuse to finally get rid of him.

“And what…” Clary thinks for a moment, “What if you took a break, let Izzy run the institute for a while?” She says, “Just take some personal time off?”

Alec has to admit that it sounds very tempting. “Where would I go though and what would I do?” He thinks out loud.

“I've got a place in Brooklyn,” Clary suggest, “I only go there to paint once a week but it's a fully functional apartment?” She says.

“Would you be cool with having me there?” Alec asks, shocked. He hadn't always been the nicest to Clary and for her to offer to help him like this was like a gift from the angel himself. He doesn’t deserve it, especially not after what he did to her mother. He knows Clary has told him several times she doesn’t think he is responsible for Jocelyn’s death, but he still feels responsible. Maybe if he hadn’t been so angry, the demon wouldn’t have taken over and he wouldn't have committed such a heinous act.

“Of course,” She says, “And… if you don't want to you won't have to tell anyone either. I will tell them you are backpacking in India or Thailand or something like that.” That sounds tempting too.

“I am assuming backpacking is a thing mundanes do?” Alec asks with a smile. “You are a savior Clary,” He says, “Thank you… I just was really close to losing it.” He doesn’t mention that he wants to end his life. It’s too much to burden Clary with, he thinks.

“It's cool,” Clary smiles, “I've been there and sometimes you just need a little help.”

_

Clary is glad Alec is so open to the idea, although in a way it also shows how much he needs help. It wasn't like him to admit he wasn't okay. She is more than happy to lend him her apartment, if it even helps him a little bit that would be amazing.

“And if you are open to it, I could give you the number of my old therapist.” Clary says, “I know technically you aren't allowed to get mundane treatments but I just feel like talking to a therapist is much more comforting than the silent brothers.” She compared Tessa to the silent brothers and she couldn't imagine discussing any personal matters with them. From her experiences with the brotherhood they were far removed from humanity.

“Please,” Alec says, “I’d like that.”

_

So not soon after their conversation Clary has helped him wrap things up in the Institute, moved his stuff to Brooklyn and gotten him an appointment with one Tessa Gray. All of which Alec had thought was impossible.

It's odd, Alec realises, being alone for once. But it's also pretty comforting. He never knew how noisy the institute was until he arrived at Clary’s place. Sure there were the familiar sounds of traffic and sirens and people that defined New York to Alec but it was calmer. No one but Clary knew where he was and that was nice too. No one to run into his room, asking for help for this thing or another. No one to remind him how much needed to be done or how things weren't enough. It was just quiet. Alec realises he likes quiet, a lot. He could get used to this.

He wonders how Clary managed to get this place. From what he had heard, it wasn’t easy to find an apartment in New York. He knows Simon had had a hard time. He decides he will ask Clary sometime. He finds that he has become actually interested in her well-being and wants to know what she is up to. Alec guesses they are basically friends now. He never expected that when he first met the red-head. He used to think she was this annoying little girl, invading his space and his life. He knows that she is so much more now, she is a great friend and he realises if someone he loved was missing he would try to do anything too. Besides, she had been thrown into a world she had no knowledge of and like Alec was learning things about the mundane world now, she had needed to learn about the shadow world.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again this isn't beta'd, my apologies for any mistakes! Please feel free to leave comments etc :)

When Clary tells people Alec has taken a holiday they are naturally shocked. Alec always had been the work until you die type and Clary couldn’t tell them that he had been pretty close to that. He wouldn’t want them to know that, it was too personal. To her annoyance, no one really understood that Alec needed time off too. Izzy kind of got it, but immediately said she wished he was here running things and Jace’s mind seemed to be elsewhere entirely. She knows he has his own crap to deal with but he had sworn an oath to Alec, and from what she knew Alec had always been there for him. Alec must have been so lonely all this time, Clary realises and it hurts her soul. He deserved better. It made her respect him even more. 

_

Alec is beyond nervous for his first therapy appointment. He thinks he might even be a little terrified. Clary had explained him a little bit about it the other night but he still had no real idea what to expect. He knows he’ll have to talk, which is a challenge in its own right. He’d never been much of a talker and as a shadowhunter you didn’t exactly learn to discuss your emotions. He knew at least eighty-nine ways to kill a demon but he had no clue how to put the things he was feeling into words. 

But he needs this, he knows he does. This could actually help him feel better and help him deal with the dark thoughts that constantly plague his mind. Perhaps, he will one day feel in control of himself again. Less like he is drowning all the time. 

His therapist, Tessa, is lovely. Understanding and compassionate. She makes sure he feels okay being here, talks him through his fear of talking before she asks why he thinks he needs therapy. She seems to genuinely care and be interested in him. Though, Alec reminds himself, he is paying her to give a fuck about him. It’s her job. Still, he feels okay telling her. He leaves out the details of the shadow world, of course. Even if he was allowed to share that information with a mundane it wasn’t a smart move. It could put her in grave danger and Alec didn’t want to deal with the shadow world for once. Not when he finally had the opportunity to deal with himself. Not when he finally had a break from it.

She does notice his runes though, “Nice tattoos.” Tessa smiles at him. It’s the first thing she had said to him after introducing herself. She seems very good at noticing things, Alec notes. He’s glad she thinks they are tattoos. 

“So why do you believe you need help, Alexander?” She asks kindly. He had figured she would ask this. It still made him a bit anxious. 

“Uhm, please call me Alec.” He says awkwardly. His full-name was a much too painful reminder of Magnus and his parents. He tells her this too. Tessa nods at him and writes it down on her paper. He sees her circle it. “And, things have just been a lot lately.” He frowns, “Clary recommended this to me and I guess she was the only person to see I needed help?” He says, his voice filled with doubt. Or perhaps, he only wanted to doubt the statement. He desperately wants to believe others saw he was struggling too. Though he knows better. “My parents recently got a divorce and now mom is going to move away and I’m going through a  breakup myself and,” He goes and goes and goes. 

“Alec, please breathe.” Tessa reminds him. He pauses for a moment, realising he had in fact forgotten to breathe again. 

“I tend to forget to breathe,” He says, “I mean I don’t have much time for it or I didn’t until Clary intervened. My job is quite demanding,” He says, deciding to share as much as he can, “I’m in charge of a local institution of an international company and it’s a lot.” Alec takes a deep breath, “We do this security thing and it’s basically 24/7. And then there are my siblings who pretty much rely on me too.” Alec is fighting back tears, “But no one is there for me to rely on. Except Clary perhaps, she’s the only person who has really been there lately. Everyone just expects me to be perfect and to be capable of anything but they never ask.” 

“That sounds very lonely, Alec.” Tessa says and Alec realises he has felt pretty lonely all this time. “It sounds like you have a lot of burdens on your shoulders. I am glad you decided to seek out help.” She smiles at him, “I hope you will let me help you with those burdens.” 

They decide to set up weekly meetings and Alec actually feels good about that. A place to share his problems with worrying about the other person. It sounded good to him, even better than he initially thought. He thinks he can actually let Tessa help him. She makes him feel safe. 

_ 

“Where is Alexander?” Magnus runs up to Clary and Isabelle. He seems distressed. Clary prays to the angel there is not another war threatening to start in the shadow world. Things were finally quiet and war would mean Alec’s break was over. 

“Backpacking in Thailand,” Clary says casually, “Why?” She knows she needs to sell this story well to make it more believable.

“Yeah, Thailand, apparently.” Isabelle says, she hadn’t been quite convinced Alec was there yet. Which in a way was good. “If it’s official institute business, it’s me you need anyway. I am the acting head of the institute until he returns.” Isabelle stands up straight and raises her head a little. It was something Maryse had done often to make herself look taller. 

“He hasn’t been answering his phone,” Magnus actually sounds concerned and Clary would think it was sweet if she hadn’t seen how utterly heartbroken Alec was. 

She crosses her arms, “He probably has a very bad connection,” She says and frowns, “He is on a journey to find himself and besides, why should you care?” She glares at Magnus and walks away. She realised she had become very protective of Alec but someone needed to be. He was always so busy protecting everyone else. 

_ 

Magnus is shocked by Clary’s fierceness. He had known she could be but it usually wasn’t directed at him, especially not when it was about Alexander. He gets a feeling she knows more about Alec’s so-called trip than she is letting one. Why had he only told her where he went after all? It seemed so unlike Alexander but perhaps Magnus hadn’t known him that well after all. He thought he had but he had once believed he knew Camille too. 

“So Thailand?” He turns to Isabelle. He is trying to sound casual, but probably failing miserably. His feelings for Alexander were anything but casual. 

Izzy shrugs, “According to Clary and the note he left us.” She says sadly flipping her hair behind her shoulder. “He hasn’t even bothered to call us.” She sighs, “He’s been gone for more than a week and he has only texted once.” She stares at her computer screen. Like if she stares at it long enough Alec will suddenly be there. 

“That’s odd.” Magnus frowns, “He used to… be more present.” It worries him.

“Yeah well I suppose he did need a little break.” Izzy shrugs, clearly putting her poker face back on. She quickly changed from Alec’s sister to the Head of the Institute. Probably a Lightwood thing, Magnus thinks grimly. Alec had always been good at that too. Things aren’t exactly adding up though and he is sure there is a lot more going on than a simple trip to Thailand. 

_ 

“Hey you,” Clary says as she walks into the apartment, “how was your first session?” 

“Good,” Alec says and he finds himself genuinely meaning it. It was nice to not overthink every word he spoke. “Tessa is really great.” He adds. 

“She really helped me a lot.” Clary smiles, “She’s amazing.” Alec gives her a hug because that has become something they do and Alec is actually comfortable with it. Clary had become like a sister to him. 

“How’s the institute?” He says softly, he couldn’t let it go entirely. It was still his life and his family still mattered even though he was hiding from it all. He feels guilty about that but he needs this. Needs the tranquility he has found himself here. 

“Magnus stopped by,” Clary bites her lip, “He was asking why you weren’t answering your phone. I told him you are in Thailand but he and Izzy don’t seem entirely convinced.” She lets out a sigh and looks at him apologetically. Alec isn’t sure if he is happy Magnus noticed his absence or annoyed that he and Izzy won’t just believe Clary. He knows it’s a lie, and the fact that Isabelle and Magnus don’t buy the story Clary told them shows they know him well after all, but he needs them to believe him. If they would find out where he really was and what he was actually up to, so could the Clave. He wouldn’t even have a choice about returning or not then. He would definitely be deruned. 

“Izzy is doing really well as the Head,” Clary continues, “She kicks asses where needed and knows to be kind at the right moments and she really doesn’t have time to cook anymore.” Alec laughs at that. 

“I knew she would be great at this.” He smiles proudly. Izzy had always been more balanced in that sense. She had always known when to be gentle and when to be hard. It was good to not have to worry about the Institute, he knew he had left it in the best hands he could. Especially since she wouldn’t have a chance to burn up the kitchen anymore. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains self-harm, if this triggers you please take care of yourself <3
> 
> Again this isn't beta'd, sorry for any mistakes!

For the most part Alec spends his day alone doing the most mundane things he can think of. He goes on walks, he reads books, something which he actually had time for now, and he even went to the grocery store on his own the other day. He makes his own food, watches mundane news and learns things beyond the shadow world are a shit show too. He did pick up smoking, which Clary gently scolded him for and he knows it’s probably unhealthy but he figures he will die young anyway. He is still a shadowhunter, a demon could stop by any day and kill him in some nasty way. He was raised with the knowledge he would die young, at least this is a slower way to go. It’s making him less stressed too. Something which a demon would never help him achieve.

Tonight he won’t be alone though, Clary texted him this morning to let him know she will be spending the night. Apparently things were a bit rough between her and Jace too these days and she honestly needed a break from it. He feels bad for her. He knows Jace loves her more than anyone but he isn't sure she knows that. She seemed so worried about it. Sometimes Alec wishes they were all better at actually talking about things.

They are going to have dinner together, nothing too fancy according to Clary but nonetheless she sends him a extensive list of ingredients he needs to pick up. Alec thinks it will be fun, the two decided to prepare the meal together and it will be like cooking with a sibling who actually knows how to cook. Izzy had always tried to cook but sadly lacked the talent for her passion and Jace’s cooking was limited to eggs and take-out menus. Alec had only recently found out he liked cooking, he had never had much time before and when they were little meals had always been prepared for them. Their parents never allowed them near a kitchen. It wasn’t safe according to them, which would make sense if they weren’t being raised to battle actual demons. Alec realises Izzy’s love for cooking had probably started as another act of rebellion. She was always braver than him when it came to going against their parents.

Alec’s trip to the grocery store is mostly uneventful, except for the brief moment he thinks he sees Magnus. He decides his mind is playing tricks on him but makes sure to rush anyway. It fucks him up more than he ever imagined. Hecan freak out about this at home, he reminds himself. Not where everyone can see him. He can feel the panic building up again and when he is finally back in the safety of his apartment he breaks down. He tries to remember the breathing exercise Clary had taught him but he can’t. All he can hear is that he isn’t good enough and wrong. That he is weak and a fucking failure. He repeats it to himself over and over, tears streaming down his face and he just wants to make it stop. He needs to make it stop. He grabs a knife from the kitchen drawer and puts it to his arms, not caring which runes he might ruin. Not caring about the damage he might do. He hasn’t done this in ages, but the feeling of tearing his skin apart is so good even if it lasts about a second. Even though he knows the shame will kill him afterwards, he needs to release so much. He sits down, leans against the door of the fridge and bangs his head against it repeatedly. He laughs bitterly and realises he is _still_ crying. It hadn’t even helped, not really.

“By the angel,” He mumbles to himself, “I’m a fucking mess.” He digs his fingernails into the palms of his hand. Get it together, Lightwood, he reminds himself. Then he puts away the groceries like nothing ever happened, like he hadn’t just gone off the edge. But it feels so wrong to do that. He can't even fool himself into thinking he is fine anymore.

_

Clary hears Jace scream in pain, and as angry as she is with him at the moment she still speeds to his side. “Jace!” She says distressed. He is clutching his parabatai rune, his face full of agony.

“It’s Alec,” He says, “He’s hurt.” Jace looks extremely distressed too.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Clary mutters to herself. Worried about what might have happened. She calls him, praying Alec will pick up. When he finally does she can barely speak, “Alec,” Her voice barely a whisper, “What happened? Jace could feel you were hurt.” Tears stream down her face. She was terrified for him.

“It’s okay, I’m okay.” Alec is whispering too, “I will explain tonight. If you still want to show up.” He sounds ashamed, like she will turn her back on him. She has a feeling that whatever physical pain Alec was feeling, he brought on himself. She’s just relieved he’s still there. Her mind had immediately provided the most horrifying images.

“Yes, of course. Of course.” Clary promises. “Just don’t do anything stupid, _please_.” She begs her friend.

When she hangs up, Jace gives her a questioning look. Fuck, Clary thinks, this was not part of the plan she and Alec had made and she knew it would look weird. Everything was so fucked right now. But she had needed to know Alec was safe, alive even. For a moment she hadn’t cared about anything else.

“That was Alec,” She tries to sound calm. Tries to hide her fear and worries. “He’s safe.” She tries to smile. She can tell Jace isn’t buying it, that he has too many questions. She gets it, it’s his parabatai they are talking about. His parabatai who is ignoring everyone, except apparently his girlfriend. Clary knows how bad this looks.

Jace face has hardened, “Are you cheating on me with Alec?” he asks. His voice hurt and cold. It sends a shiver down Clary’s spine.

“No!” Clary says panicking, “No!” She puts her hands in her hair, softly swearing to herself.

“Not cheating on me or just not with Alec?” Jace says, clearly still upset, “You’ve been acting weird lately, Clary.” The words are full of pain and confusion.

“Not cheating on you and _especially_ not with Alec.” She hopes he believes her. She knows she has been behaving oddly lately but it had a reason. She just couldn’t tell Jace yet, it wasn’t up to her. “He’s still gay you know.” She adds, trying to smile and relieve some of the tension but it probably comes out all wrong. She doesn't know how to fix any of this.

“But he isn’t in Thailand, is he?” Jace asks, his face softening a little. His voice less angry, curiosity taking over. As if Alec and Clary are a puzzle he needs to figure out, only he is missing a few important pieces.

Clary shakes her head, “He’s not, he’s in Brooklyn and that’s all I can share for now.” She says apologetically. “It’s not my place to tell you or I would have, honestly” She promises. “He’s mostly okay.” Hopefully one day he would be more than mostly okay.

_

“Oh Alec,” Clary says sadly when she walks in, much earlier than she had said she would be. Alec knows she knows. Not that he had bothered to hide the marks on his arm. She gives him a tight hug then immediately starts to inspect his cuts.

“No wonder Jace could feel it.” She says. It’s obvious she is trying to sound calm but Alec can hear the worry seeping through. It’s so evident he can almost touch it. “You’ve cut yourself so deep.” Her voice sounds strained.

“Sorry,” Alec says, wanting to hide. He feels so ashamed of himself. “I hadn’t done this in a while and I- I guess never this deep.” He starts to cry again, “Never deep enough to let Jace feel. Fuck.” He fully expects Clary to yell at him, to be angry and tell him to leave. To stop being so weak. She must be incredibly disappointed in him, he knows he is disappointed in himself.

She just remains calm and gentle, “Let’s get this cleaned up okay?” She smiles at Alec. “And if you want to we can talk about what happened but I won’t force you.” It’s incredibly confusing.

“Sorry.” Alec says again, looking down. “I think I can explain.” He owes her that at least.

“You don’t have to, as long as you share this with Tessa.” Clary gives him a reassuring smile, “You had me worried.” She admits with a deep sigh, then asks, “Iratze or mundane healing?”

“Mundane, I guess.” Alec says, “I don’t know if I have to show Tessa but it’s a good punishment either way. I shouldn’t have lost control like that.” He almost wants Clary to be angry, at least that he understands. It’s the only thing he has ever known, you fuck up and then you get your punishment. He needs to be punished, it’s the only things that makes any sense.

Clary carefully tends to his wounds and they end up getting take out instead, though she promises she will cook with him tomorrow. In a way it’s quite refreshing to not be punished for his mistakes for once. Alec tells her he thinks he saw Magnus, how it made him panic. How he wasn’t ready to face the warlock yet. Not when he was just starting to deal with all these feelings he had. Actually dealing with his emotions was still so foreign. He didn’t always understand them and he had no clue what to do with them most of the time. Trying to stop the feelings from coming in any way he could was so tempting. It seemed so much easier because at least this was the devil he knew.

“I used to self-harm too.” Clary says and rolls up her sleeves, putting out her arms for Alec to see. Scars filling her arms, he wonders how he had never noticed before. “I’ve been clean for around 5 years now but there are times when it’s still extremely tempting. So, don’t feel bad for slipping up. It happens and this is hard enough without beating yourself up over it.” She smiles and hugs Alec a little tighter than usual.

“I was clean for almost a year” Alec says sadly and full of self-hatred, “I thought I didn’t need to anymore but I was panicking so badly and I just wanted to make it stop.” He hugs Clary back tightly and starts crying again. “My head was such a mess I couldn’t even remember how to draw a fucking iratze. I feel so weak now. I failed”

“Hey, these are battle scars too.” Clary says softly, pointing at his arms, “Inner demons are demons too and we’re shadowhunters, we battle demons even when they hurt us.” She makes a good point, Alec thinks and it’s reassuring. Somehow Clary manages to take away some of the shame. He’s glad she found her way into their lives, even though the circumstances back then hadn’t been great. He was extremely grateful now. He could no longer imagine a life without her.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are mentions of abuse in this chapter, nothing too descriptive but just a heads up! Also, not beta'd again, so my apologies for any mistakes :) 
> 
> Thanks so much for all the kudos and comments <3

As promised Alec shares the fact that he self-harms sometimes with Tessa. She is surprisingly kind as well. It shocks Alec, which Tessa apparently notices. He’d never known it was odd. Maybe mundanes were a lot chiller about these things.

“You seem shocked?” She asks, but it’s more of a statement. She seems genuinely intrigued by this.

“Well, yes.” Alec frowns, feeling exposed, “Usually when I make mistakes I get punished.” He says and it’s honestly still weird that apparently not everyone punishes their kids for the tiniest flaws. Considering his parents did so and Jace had had similar experiences, he had just assumed it was normal. Maybe for shadowhunters it was? He wanted it to be, because he needed to be normal. If this wasn't normal either, nothing he had ever been through made sense.

“In what way?” Tessa asks, apparently she was a bit shocked now.

“My parents have always been,” Alec wonders which word to use for a while, he doesn’t want to make it sound too dramatic, “Strict. Mom has been less like that recently but she still has pretty high expectations.” He starts to look around the room, suddenly not wanting to face Tessa. “Uhm, they didn’t like that I was gay. They really didn’t like that.” He laughs humorlessly.

“So they weren’t very accepting?” Tessa asks. Thankfully she doesn’t try to meet his eyes.

Alec shakes his head and snorts. “Not at all, no.” He says, “But they were pretty strict before that and to my siblings too. I mean, they always expected me to be the best but that’s just because I am the oldest.” He says and realises he remembers the way his parents had explained every single punishment that way. Even when he hadn’t known what he had done wrong. “And I’d sometimes take their punishments too because I have to be good older brother?” He isn’t sure of himself anymore and that’s a shock. He wants to cry but he isn’t sure if he wants Tessa to see him cry. He decides to just keep talking, perhaps if he gets through this fast enough it won’t hurt as much. Maybe it won’t feel as real. He starts to shake and he curses his body for it. He didn’t want to show just how hard this was.

“They just always reminded me I needed to be perfect, at every single thing I did.” Alec says. Nails digging into his skin. “And I wasn’t to talk back at them or they would be _very_ angry.” He remembers his father hitting him, over and over. Not good enough, not good enough, Alec remembers. That’s what his parents constantly told him. “And if I wasn’t the best in my class or something like that, they would…” Alec takes a deep breath, “They’d hurt me.”

“That is horrible Alec.” Tessa says, sounding absolutely horrified, “Would you say they abused you?”

“No,” Alec says quickly, shaking his head. “They were just trying to raise me to be a good person.” He says, “and it’s not like they were around that much. They have busy jobs, even now.” He doesn’t really believe himself anymore. He had known he didn’t have the happiest childhood, he just never imagined to even consider using the word abuse to describe it. It felt shameful to use that word, like he was letting his family down. That feels worse than anything his parents ever did.

_

Magnus still isn’t convinced by the entire Thailand story and it has been nearly two months since he has last seen Alec. There are few things he has regretted more this century than breaking up with Alexander. He wishes he could make things right but it seems more and more impossible. He never thought Alec would just leave like that and when he had, Magnus assumed he would be back to his siblings in no time. It worries him and if he didn’t know Clary better than that, he’d think she had done something horrendous.

Yet Clary seems to be the only person who has a clue where Alec really is and it bothers Magnus. If Alexander wasn’t comfortable telling him what was going on, which Magnus understood really, surely he could still tell his siblings? He thought the Lightwoods shared everything with each other but perhaps he was mistaken about that. The idea that he hadn’t known Alec that well after all kept haunting Magnus. He thinks that might be exactly why things had gone to hell between them. Maybe Magnus had assumed too many things about his former lover.

It bothers him too much to not do anything. He had never been one for sitting still so he texts Isabelle. He knows she hadn’t really been sure too. Maybe they can figure this out together.

_

After his therapy session Alec feels tense. He supposes it was normal after the realisations he had and the things he shared with Tessa, but it bothers him. This was definitely a part of therapy no one had mentioned to him. He feels the urge to punch something but he wonders if punching a wall or some random demon would be considered self-destructive too. It probably was. He opts to go for a run instead, something he didn’t have the confidence to do before. But he has been here for a while and no one has found him yet, so it feels like something he can do. It was safe, it had to be.

Alec nearly forgot how much he loves running. It allowed him to push himself a little bit and also clear his head. Just focusing on getting where he wanted to go and the way his body felt. The slight sting he felt in his legs, he was a little out of shape after all. The soft breeze against his arms. Music blasting from his headphones. It’s moments like these that Alec remembers he can really feel alright. Maybe soon he will feel ready to share what’s been going on with Izzy and Jace. He hopes so, it would be so much easier on Clary too. He hates that he is making her lie, he knows she dislikes it immensely. It’s very special she is willing to lie on his behalf.

After an hour or so he heads back to the apartment. He decides to clean up before Clary stops by for their weekly dinner night. They would be making tacos tonight and Alec is excited to learn Clary’s recipe. She’s been teaching him to cook a lot of things and he always ends up trying them for himself too. It’s very relaxing to him.

He ends up with plenty of time to spare before Clary comes home. It’s funny, he realises, how he had started to think of this place as home. It had started as a hide-out but it had become so much more. After he and Magnus had broken up he didn’t think that any place could feel like home anymore. Magnus loft had been the only place he felt safe and he wasn’t convinced he would ever find that again. He’s happy that he was wrong about that. Maybe he wasn’t so reliant on the warlock after all.

“Hey,” Clary says cheerfully when she walks in, “you up for making tacos?” She places the shopping bags on the kitchen table.

“Definitely.” Alec smiles at her. “I never knew you knew so much about cooking.” He says.

“I’m full of hidden talents, Lightwood.” She says and wiggles her eyebrows. They both laugh loudly.  

_

Magnus and Izzy can hear laughter from the apartment they followed Clary to and it’s not what they were expecting. It’s quite clear that Alec and Clary are there, which is what they thought would be the case, they just hadn’t imagined Alec would sound so happy.

“I don’t get it.” Isabelle frowns, her hands trembling. She was clearly trying her hardest to hide the pain she must be feeling. “Let’s go, I guess. he’s not in danger...so.” They had no reason to be there Magnus thinks. He was sure that was what Izzy thought as well. If this was what Alexander wanted, then they had no right or reason to do anything about it. Magnus just doesn’t get why he would lie about it, especially not to Izzy. They leave in silence, the discovery hanging between them like a dark cloud. When they walk past the building, Magnus spots Alec smoking on their balcony. He wonders when Alec started with that habit, surely not when they were still together? But Magnus wasn’t sure about anything Alexander did anymore.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for the lovely comments and kudos! I am glad people like this fic <3
> 
> Again not beta'd so hopefully I haven't made too many mistakes

“I've been running,” Alec tells Tessa when she asks him what he has been doing in his spare time, “I want to keep in shape in case I head back to work. And I hang out with Clary at least twice a week. I’ve been reading too, I’ve finally got the time again. Simon and Clary got me a netflix subscription.” He pauses. “That’s it I think.” 

“Sounds like plenty to me.” Tessa smiles at him, “And have you considered going back to work?” She asks. 

Alec shrugs a little, “I honestly don’t know.” He says with a deep sigh. It pains him to admit this. It feels like another way he had failed to meet expectations. 

“How does that make you feel?” Tessa asks him. 

“Lost.” He says truthfully. “This job, this life was all I knew and everything I was raised to be but it never made me happy. But it feels almost selfish to chase happiness and leave my family behind.” He starts to tear up. “I just no longer know who I am.” 

“Who you would like to be?” Tessa suggests. “Perhaps that’s an interesting question.” Alec decides to consider it. 

_

Clary can’t take it anymore and rushes to the apartment. The institute was becoming too much for her, she needed her space. She had had another fight with Jace and the place had become too small. Everywhere she went, she ran into him. She doesn’t want to end things with Jace but she knows if she stays at the institute any longer that’s what will happen. Besides, with the threat of Valentine and Jonathan gone, she doesn’t really have to stay there anymore. She finally had a choice about that now. 

“Hey, Fray.” Alec greets when she walks into the apartment. Once he sees she’s been crying he wraps her into a tight hug. It’s comforting, Clary notes. Alec was an excellent hugger. “Bad day?” He asks. 

Clary nods, “Jace and I fought again,” She sighs, “I just couldn’t stand to be there any longer. Would you mind if I stay here?” She feels a little lost but Alec always keeps her grounded. 

“Clary, this place is still yours and if you want me gone just tell me.” Alec says quickly, frowning. “Don’t worry about it, honestly.” He smiles reassuringly. 

Clary frowns too, “No you don’t need to leave. It’s a two bedroom. If you don’t mind being roommates?” She asks, a small smile appearing on her face. 

“I think we’ll make great roommates love.” Alec smiles at her. “Do you think we should tell Jace and Izzy about everything that’s been going on? I think I am ready for that.” 

“Sounds fine to me then.” Clary says, giving Alec another hug. She gives him an excited smile. Something good had come out of all of this after all. 

_ 

They decide that Clary will ask Jace and Isabelle to help her move her stuff to the apartment. Not that much needed moving. Just some art supplies, books and clothes. She already had most of her stuff there. It was just a good excuse to let them come to the apartment with her without having to explain too much up front. It’s easier that way, less messy and it allows Alec the chance to tell his own side of things. 

Alec is anxious about the whole thing, tries to pass the time with breathing exercises so he won’t lose his mind. Though he alternates the exercises with smoking, so he isn’t sure how well that will work. He hadn’t seen his siblings in so long and he had a lot to explain. He’d left in quite a hurry. It was he needed then, but he didn’t know if they would understand. He decides he won’t mention that he might never return to the institute yet. He thinks it might be too much of a shock and he isn’t sure yet anyway. He doesn’t want them to hate him. 

_ 

Catharina is sitting across him at his dining table. The table is filled with ingredients, books, tupperware boxes and cauldrons. She’s helping Magnus with a new healing potion as that had always been her speciality. Sure he could have done it on his own but Catharina was the expert and he loved to use any excuse to hang out with his friends. She was often too busy with her shifts in the hospital and caring for Madzie. Magnus often wonders if she would have time to eat if she wasn’t a warlock. Actually cooking meals took time, he knew. When he and Alexander were still together he would usually just conjure something up, just so they could spend more time together. 

“I saw Alec the other day,” She says casually while chopping up some herbs. She thinks she is glancing at him subtly, she’s obviously not. 

“Oh,” Magnus says. He tries to sound like he doesn’t care. Not that it will fool Catharina but he mostly wants to trick himself into believing he’s stopped giving a fuck. It had been nearly 4 months after all since the breakup. “Where?” He says indifferently. He avoids his friend’s gaze.

“Tessa’s office.” Catharina says, she leans forward a little, “I didn’t realise you had introduced them.” She adds, clearly extremely curious. 

“I haven’t.” Magnus frowns and decides he is bored with this rotten potion. “I could go for a drink.” He receives a fond eye roll from his friend for that.  She definitely saw through him. 

_

“I thought you’d just left us behind.” Izzy says sobbing, “Why didn’t you say something?” It kills Alec to see his little sister hurting like that. Knowing he basically caused it feels even worse. He had always done everything to make his family happy and he had still managed to fail them. Maybe he was as worthless as he father always said he was. 

“I didn’t know how. I couldn't, I just felt like this burden all the time...” He admits, then glances at Clary, “If it hadn’t been for Clary, I wouldn’t even have sought help. I was so close to just… giving up.” He stares at his shoes, terrified of actually facing his siblings. He is sure he has let them down. 

“What do you mean giving up?” Jace says, shocked. Angry even. Like he can’t believe those words could come from Alec’s mouth. 

Alec hides his face in his hands, “I mean like ending things. Ending my life.” It was hard to admit that. Even harder because those thoughts hadn’t quite left his mind. “Clary showed me there were other ways to change things.” Isabelle lets out another sob. Clary wraps a comforting arm around her. Alec is glad she is there, he doesn’t know if he would have been capable of doing this on his own. 

“Hey, he’s still here, Iz.” Clary says softly, “He didn’t actually do it.” She rubs Izzy’s shoulder. 

“But he could have.” Isabelle exclaims, “And we didn’t see things had gotten that bad.” She gets up from her spot on the couch and starts pacing around. 

“It’s okay, Izzy.” Alec says softly. “It’s not your job to look after me.” He manages to smile at her. “Please don’t worry about me.” It’s barely a whisper. 

“If it’s your job to look after us, then we have to look after you too. You are our brother too.” Jace says firmly, “We are parabatai Alec, it’s literally my job to look after your ass.” He hugs Alec tightly. Alec had missed his siblings and he was glad they knew now, even though it had been hard to let them in on this. He thought they would look differently at him, that they would think he was weak but they didn’t. They just wanted to be there for him and help him, like Clary had. Alec thinks he might be able to get used to letting people in. Maybe he would even fall in love again one day. He of course would need to fall out of love first. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished writing the last chapter of this, so expect all the chapters to come out fairly soon :) I am glad people seem to be enjoying this because it's like my little baby yikes. Also I am working on a sequel already so hopefully that is exciting hehehe
> 
> As always, not beta'd so sorry for any and all mistakes!
> 
> Feel free to comment, leave kudos or yell at me on twitter or something. I am @eeveeraz there :)

“I can’t believe Magnus and I thought you might be hooking up with Clary.” Isabelle laughs loudly. They are having coffee together and it’s nice. Izzy and Jace spend a lot of time with him and Clary now, but the added benefit is that they can kick them out when things become too intense. Izzy had decided to share the time she followed Clary to the apartment.

Alec decides to ignore the mention of Magnus’s name, “Iz.” He says incredulously, “Clary and I?” He shakes his head and makes a disgusted face. “That’d be like dating you. Besides, gay, remember?”

“In my defense you also nearly married Lydia and I knew you were gay long before that.” Izzy crosses her arms and pouts. It amuses Alec a lot.

Alec laughs, “Fair enough.” He admits. He was glad Magnus had stopped him from going through with that at least. Then reminds himself he doesn’t want to think about Magnus. Moving on, he tells himself. It’s time to do that. He has been hung up over this for far too long. If only it was that easy to just let go.

 

Tessa actually seems proud of him when he tells her he has told his family he is in therapy. “Well only Isabelle and Jace but my dad and I are playing this very comfortable game where we pretend the other doesn’t exist.” Alec grimaces. “And my mom is wherever.” He shrugs, “It’s cool.”

“Comfortable?” Tessa raises an eyebrow. “That doesn’t sound very comfortable or cool to me.”

Alec shrugs, “I guess I wish my father would be more mature about things. Last time I checked he is quite a bit older than me but then again he and my mom were in a literal hate group so I am not sure I should realistically expect better.” He sighs. “Actually terrorists would be more accurate.” He doesn’t want to talk about the circle, because he knows he will have to change too many details regarding the shadow world and he doesn’t like to think of his parents’ bigotry for too long so he changes the subject like a pro.

“It’s nice having Izzy and Jace around again though. Max is at boarding school and I don’t want to burden him with this.” Alec vaguely motions to himself. “He’s so young,” He says, voice fragile and small. “I don’t want to shatter his worldview entirely just yet.” He sighs. He was sure his parents would be doing that anyways. If not them, the Clave most likely would.

“So when did you and your dad start to ignore each other.” Tessa asks. Alec doesn’t really want to talk about that either mostly because it will involve talking about Magnus, but it’s still a better subject than the circle he decides. And he should probably talk about Magnus anyways.

“After he and mom told us they were separating. He had an affair with someone and he mentioned I should understand that.” Alec frowns. Thinking about it still made him angry. “Because of Magnus. So I told him that Magnus wasn’t an affair.”

“And how did it make you feel, that your father referred to your boyfriend like that?” Tessa asks. Alec figures she wants to make him react, she does that a lot. Annoyingly enough it usually actually worked.

“It made me angry?” Alec says, still frowning, “Really angry, I think but also it made me feel like he didn’t think my relationship was anything serious. But it was, I still believe it was.” He kind of wants to cry and maybe take a nap or five. Anything felt better than dwelling on his relationship with Magnus. Tessa seemed to think differently though. That was probably why she was the therapist and not he, Alec thinks.

“Do you miss Magnus?” Tessa asks, “Is that why it makes you so angry or does your father just make you very angry in general?”

“Both.” Alec says and then there is no way he can stop the tears from coming. Tessa tells him to just let them go, as though he could stop them. He supposes he is normally quite capable of that.

“I loved Magnus, I still do I think,” His lip trembles, “But I also really wanted to prove to my dad that we had a good relationship so when things ended it hurt even more. I could already picture my father mocking me.” It hurts just as much as when he and Magnus first broke up. How had he fooled himself into believing he was moving on? It became so painfully clear then that he had a long way to go. A very long way.

_

Magnus isn’t sure if he should ask Tessa if she knows Alexander. If she does, she will probably tell him not to meddle. Which is a very valid point. Alec wasn’t his business anymore. He had left the man and Alexander was free to do as he pleased. Part of Magnus doesn’t want to accept this though. He sends Tessa a fire message.

All Tessa sends him back is _I don’t know an Alexander Lightwood_ and _Stop meddling._ She also reminds him he shouldn’t visit her office to stalk anyone of her patients. Like she knows Alexander might be using a different name or something. It only makes Magnus more curious. It had been a long time since anyone had this effect on him. He was usually far more collected after a breakup but Alec really had unlocked something in him. Stalker feelings apparently, Magnus thinks to himself. It’s something new at least.

_

Alec texts Jace after his session. He could really use something to blow of steam and Jace was always up for that. Eventually decide to do some boxing and since Alec isn't quite up for visiting the institute yet, they opt to do it in the apartment instead.

Jace greets him with a half hug and a massive grin. “Ready to get your ass kicked?” He asks.

“You mean am I ready to kick your ass? I am always ready for that.” Alec laughs. It's odd, feeling happy like this again. Especially after the painful things he felt earlier.

“Sure, brother, sure.” Jace shakes his head. They end up sparring for hours, until they are both utterly exhausted. Alec’s knuckles are bloody and he is sure he will feel sore in odd places tomorrow. It’s a comforting idea.

_

After Jace leaves their place Clary and Alec decide to open a bottle of wine which then turns into several bottles. It was probably ill-advised to drink this much when neither of them was quite in a good place.

“You know,” Clary says between sips of wine, “I am probably the only girl Jace won't sleep with.” She snickers softly.

Alec snorts, “And Izzy.” He adds. Clary laughs again and then pouts at him.

“I just don't get it.” She sighs deeply, “Does he still think I am his bloody sister or is there something wrong with me?” She downs the rest of her glass and stares at Alec, “Does he hate redheads and forgot about to mention it?” She really didn't understand Jace anymore. She once believed she had him figured out, but she was less and less sure of that each time she saw him. It hurt her to realise that.

“Fray.” Alec says, he’s slightly slurring his words, “You are fucking wonderful and I think he actually gives a fuck about you. Trust me that's a miracle.” He smiles at her and wraps her into a hug. They both have tears streaming down their cheeks.

_

Pretty soon the conversation turns to Magnus and Alec still feels the sting of losing him. He wonders if it will ever stop being this painful.

“Magnus was the first person who taught me to be myself.” Alec laughs bitterly, “And then suddenly everything I did was wrong and I wasn't experienced enough. I wasn't _good enough._ ” That's what had hurt him the most, the rejection because he wasn't who someone wanted him to be once again. He thought Magnus was different. Maybe he was wrong.

“Baby, fuck him.” Clary says, “You are more than enough.” She passes the bottle of wine to him and he starts to drink straight from the bottle.

He vaguely remembers that Clary leaves Magnus a drunken voicemail. He is sure he shouted some things too, but what exactly happened is a big blur for him. He is sure he should regret it, he just doesn't know why.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so happy that people seem to be enjoying this fic, it means a lot to me. Thanks so much for leaving comments and kudos!
> 
> Again, I say this every time, it is not beta'd so sorry for any mistakes :)

Alec was extremely excited to watch Simon play at the Hunter’s Moon. They hadn’t outright discussed it, but he considered them friends now. Sometimes they even hung out without Clary and Alec guessed that was when he thought of Simon as more than just Clary’s best friend. It was exciting. He’d never really made friends before and it was starting to become easier. 

Simon manages to draw an impressively large crowd, something which Alec is immensely proud of. He can tell Clary is too. Look at Simon, he thinks, living his dreams despite the hurdles that had been thrown at him. But his perseverance isn’t the only thing that got him here, Alec knows. Simon was also a hugely talented musician. 

After Simon’s set, Alec and Clary walk up to their friend. “You were amazing, Si.” Alec smiles and gives the daylighter a hug. He is startled when he hears someone coughing behind him. Magnus. 

“Well I am glad you seem to be so happy.” Magnus says to Alec and he honestly sounds less than thrilled. Alec wants to disappear and starts to make himself smaller. 

Alec looks away, and asks his friends, “Is this where I count to ten?” Why did Magnus have to do this? Alec just wanted to enjoy an evening out with his friends. He can feel his hands shaking. The craving for a cigarette is bigger than ever. He doesn’t get any of this. 

“Yes, this is where we both count to ten.” Clary says, glaring furiously at Magnus. Alec glances at the warlock and thinks he might have been enjoying a few too many drinks. That didn’t mean this didn’t sting. 

“Look if it’s about that voicemail Clary and I left the other week, I’m sorry.” Alec says sorrowfully, “I don’t recall what I said and I’m sorry, we had a few drinks. It was stupid.” He looks down. 

“How unlike you?” Magnus laughs and it’s agonizing to even be in the same building as the man. So Alec leaves, but not without hearing Magnus comment about that too. The man had never been this cruel before, not even when they broke up. Alec doesn’t know what he did to deserve this treatment, especially not this long after the breakup. Sure, Alec was still hurting over it too but he had no intentions of hurting Magnus. He knew it wouldn’t relief his own pain and he took no pride in being cruel just for the sake of it. How could Magnus make him feel like he was too much and not enough at the same time? He is absolutely sure Magnus hates him. 

_

Clary gives Magnus a livid look before storming after Alec. Simon just shakes his head at him, downs his drink and walks after his friends as well. “Not cool Bane.” He says vexed. 

Magnus regrets the entire conversation. In fact he regrets the entire night that had led him to this point. How could he be such a massive jerk? He loved Alexander, he still does. Just because the man was apparently happier without him, gave him no right to destroy his joy. Magnus wasn’t sure if it was only jealousy that made him act this way. He had called Alec a child before they broke up but perhaps he was the only one being childish here. 

He listens to the voicemail Alec had left him again. It hurts knowing Alexander apparently didn’t remember a word he said. Magnus repeats the message and then repeats it again.  _ I love you Magnus… _ He listens until he can feel his chest hurt. Did Alec even mean that?

_

“I just don’t get it,” Alec cries, “I don’t understand what I did wrong.”  __ He’s watching some crappy romcom with Clary and eating ice cream. Because according to her, that is the only way to deal with heartbreak. He’s pretty sure she had thrown a blanket on him as well. He is certain he looks absolutely ridiculous but he can’t really bring himself to care about that. 

“I don’t know either, sweetie.” Clary says, taking a spoonful of ice cream. Alec sighs hopelessly and Clary shoves the ice cream in his mouth. “I’m sorry.” She adds. “This fucking sucks.” 

Alec nods in agreement, “Was that voicemail we left so bad?” He looks dejected. 

Clary shakes her head and motion vaguely with her hand, “You only told him that you loved him.” She gives Alec a sad look. 

“Fuck.” Alec whispers. Magnus behaving like this after he had told him he loved him was so incredibly painful. Alec would much prefer a demon attack or to be destroyed in any other way than having Magnus smash his heart into the tiniest pieces like this. It was agony and Alec didn’t know how to cope. 

_ 

When Magnus tells Catharina what he has done she just calls him a massive fucking idiot. He is certain he deserves that. It’s certainly much kinder than what he thinks of himself right now.

_ 

It breaks Clary’s heart to see Alec this heartbroken. She thinks that perhaps he has only now really started to grieve his relationship with Magnus. She is determined to help him get through this, to let him know he isn’t on his own. Not anymore. 

He doesn’t leave his bed for three days except for toilet breaks. Clary brings him food and books and tries to be there as much as she can. She calls in sick to the Institute because Alec is so much more important than going on patrol. When she tells him this he seems grateful and also completely confused. 

“Of course you deserve my help.” Clary says sternly. She is lying on the bed beside Alec who shakes his head. 

“I killed your mother.” He whispers, “Why don’t you hate me too?” He looks so lost and destroyed, it kills Clary to watch him in this much pain. 

“No, Alec.” Clary says softly. “A demon did that, not you.” She hates that he blames himself because she had never once blamed him. She hates knowing he has been keeping this inside ever since it happened. She knows he will have been punishing himself over this again and again. 

“But I was so angry.” Alec sobs, “Maybe if I hadn’t been the demon wouldn’t have taken that and you wouldn’t have to miss your mom.” He pulls a blanket over his face. One day someone had to tell him that it wasn’t a very good hiding technique. 

“No, love,” Clary says fondly, “you are not to blame.” She takes a deep breath, “It could have been easily been me, I was  _ so angry _ at her too.” Tears start streaming down her face. “She tried to kill Jace and I found out she had been lying about everything all my life.” She gets underneath the blanket with Alec. “But,” She says with a pained voice, “if anyone is to blame it’s Valentine. He send that demon.” 

“So you really don’t blame me?” Alec sounds so frail.So completely shattered. Clary wraps her arms around him tightly. 

No Alec, I really don’t.” She says earnestly. She is glad she was finally able to have this conversation with him. It was so healing for both of them. 

_ 

“Well done, Alec.” Tessa says warmly when he tells her about the conversation he had with Clary. He had thought she might be upset that he hadn’t mentioned it before or that he had spend days in bed before talking about the things that were hurting him. Instead, all she was was proud. Alec had finally made someone proud. 

Then they talk about why it’s so important for Alec to make people proud. He has always wanted to make everyone proud of him and at this point he will settle for making anyone proud. Just so someone will say that what he is doing is more than he enough. Alec only wants to be enough for someone. Maybe, he realises, he can be enough for himself one day.

Before Tessa he never imagined he would ever discuss any of this but Tessa made it feel so safe. He knew she would never judge him, only question the toxic ideas he had learned through the years. It amazed him how much he trusted her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Say hi to me on twitter if you want to @eeveeraz


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to start this off with a massive warning: This chapter contains a suicide attempt/drowning, if that is a trigger to you please take care of yourself. Self-care is so important and it will always be more important than a fanfic or anything honestly! 
> 
> Thanks again for the kudos and comments, I really appreciate it <3 There are only a few chapters left now, but I have written the first chapter of part 2 and I am so excited about it! Feel free to leave suggestions of things you would like to see and I can look if I can fit them into the story :)
> 
> Say hi to me on twitter @eeveeraz

When Alec spots Magnus standing outside Tessa’s office, he needs to do a double take. He looks at Tessa’s shocked face and then back to Magnus. Then it clicks. 

“You two know each other?” Alec tries not to sound hurt. He holds on to the wall to keep himself steady. “Tessa?” He says softly. He doesn’t want to believe this. 

“Alec I can explain,” Tessa says quickly, “I am sure you are misunderstanding this.” Alec gives her an incredulous look. He feels so betrayed. She had probably been reporting back everything he said to Magnus and to the Clave. He knew it had been stupid to trust someone.

“You know?” He says again, “You knew all along didn’t you?!” Rage starts to build up in stomach.

“Tessa is just a warlock friend of mine, presumably you know that?” Magnus adds quietly. 

Alec glares at him and points, “Shut up!” He shouts, “Shut up!” He tries to fight the tears threatening to spill. He doesn’t want to look weak, not now. “Tessa?” He turns to his therapist, “You really knew this whole time. You lied to me.” His hands are trembling with fury and hurt. “Are you even a fucking therapist?” He laughs bitterly. 

“Alec,” Tessa sounds desperate and tries to put her hand on his shoulder. But Alec isn’t having it. He starts to back away. 

“No, no, no!” Alec shakes his head. “I trusted you!” He screams, “I was honest to you in every way I could and you were lying the whole time.” He runs a hand through his hair. “Fuck you!” He says softly and starts to run. He can hear Tessa and Magnus shouting behind him, but he refuses to listen to them. He just wants to go away as far as possible, it’s all he can think about. 

_

“Fuck.” Tessa says and kicks her door, “fuck fuck fuck.” Magnus sits down on the floor, realising what a massive mistake he made. Alexander wasn’t here to get help from a warlock, he was here for therapy and he had ruined it all. 

“Why is that you never bloody listen to me, Bane?” Tessa sighs shaking with stress. 

“I never meant for this to happen.” He says genuinely. He had really fucked up. This was worse than Peru. He knew the truth wouldn’t matter anymore to Alexander because he was already picturing the very worst things. If anything happened to the shadowhunter, his blood was on Magnus’s hands. The guilt was too much to bear. 

_

Alec feels so lost and lonely. He walks for what feels like hours and he still doesn’t know what he wants to do. The voice inside his head tells him to just kill himself and he wants to fight it but it’s becoming so damn hard. He is just so tired of everything. He just wants everything to stop hurting so much. 

He sees he has made it to the beach. He stares at the ocean and makes a decision. He leaves Clary a voicemail. He didn’t have time to write a note and he believes at least this way they will know, perhaps even understand. Then he steps into the water, walking until the waves start to swallow him. He feels his lungs starting to struggle, fighting for air until a calmness overtakes him. He no longer hears or feels anything, the words gradually turns black. 

_

A wave of panic hits Clary when she sees she has three missed calls from Alec and four more from Tessa. Something was really, really wrong. Panic is replaced with absolute horror when she listens to the voicemail Alec left her. 

_ Tessa lied Clary. She lied to me. I’m so sorry, I am so sorry  _ Clary hears the pain in Alec’s voice and the loudness of the wind and waves.  _ I tried so hard but I just couldn’t take it anymore _ Clary starts to cry loudly  _ Magnus was there and he knows Tessa  _ Alec made a sobbing sound  _ I am so sorry, I love you all. don’t blame yourselves please, please, please.  _ Clary drops her phone but not before she hears a very soft  _ goodbye.  _

Clary has never screamed this loudly. She has never been this terrified. Jace rushes into her room and holds her closely while she shakes with fear and grieve. “Alec,” He says softly, giving her a knowing look. His face is drained from colour. 

“Your rune,” Clary says urgently. “Does it hurt?” Jace nods, she can see the agony on his face

Jace checks, “It’s still there.” He says, “We might have some time left. Did he leave any clues?” He asks, trying to hide the alarm in his voice. 

“The beach, he must be at the beach.” Clary says quickly, trying to focus. Maybe she could still save her friend. “I heard waves.” Breathe, Clary, breathe she reminds herself. 

“I will call Isabelle and Maryse,” Jace says calmly again. It is moments like this Clary can tell he was raised as a soldier. “You call Luke and his therapist.” He says, “Then we determine which shadowhunters we can trust to help us find him.” He holds Clary’s hand and squeezes it, “We will find him, Clary, I promise.” 

Clary was sure they would find him, she just hoped he would still be alive when they did. 

_ 

“This is my fault, Clary.” Tessa sounds afraid, “I will do everything to make it right.” Magnus knows that whatever has happened, it can’t be good. Tessa wasn’t easily frightened and he knew this must be about Alexander. 

“Alec is missing,” Tessa says once she has ended the call. She is trying extremely hard to remain calm. “He left Clary a goodbye message. They fear he might have tried to take his own life.” Magnus can feel himself start to cry and he sees tears glitter in Tessa’s eyes too. 

“This is my fault.” Magnus says gravely. “I need to save him.” He tries to remember if he has anything that once belonged to Alexander with him, anything he can track him with. In the end they use the coffee cup he had used in Tessa’s office. 

“I’m not getting anything,” He says terrified. “Either it’s too late or he is near a very large body of water.” He looks at Tessa insistently, “Did Clary say anything else?” 

“The beach. Of course.” Tessa curses in several languages. “Of course he fucking would.” She laughs in horror. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 9 already!! Only two more chapters left of this story but I am working on the sequel and have written almost 4 chapters of that already. I am so happy people seem to like this fic!
> 
> Feel free to comment, leave kudos and say hi to me on twitter (@eeveeraz). As always, not beta'd. So sorry for any mistakes. The medical bits are probably going to be a mess in this story, as I am not a doctor and it's mainly based on my own experiences with hospitals? I have a few of those haha.

It takes them nearly three days to locate Alec. They check every body of water in and near New York. They call mundane hospitals and look at every sign a body might have been found. They are starting to lose hope, Jace’s parabatai rune is starting to fade when suddenly Isabelle gets a phone call. 

“Charlie! I’m sorry, I don’t have time.” She says hurriedly, nearly forgetting his profession. 

“I think I’ve found your brother.” The doctor says, “Alexander Lightwood?” 

Isabelle starts to sob, “Where is he? Is he alive?” she asks, praying to Raziel her brother is okay, like she had so many times the past day. Her prayers have been answered. 

_

Alec lays very still. The only movement visible is his lungs going up and down again, which according to Charlie is a good sign. Clary does most of the talking with Alec’s doctors, because although she only gets about half of what they are saying it’s still a lot more than the Lightwoods and other shadowhunters are able to understand. 

Clary sits beside Alec all day every day. People ask her if she wants to leave, go home to change but she refuses. She is afraid that if she looks away for only a moment something bad will happen. There is nothing a stamina rune and a good cup of coffee can’t fix. What’s a little bit of sleep deprivation when one of your best friends is barely alive? 

Maryse sits on Alec’s other side, sometimes she leaves the room to yell at Robert and probably another dozen Clave officials. Jace switches between sitting and pacing around the room and Isabelle tries to keep herself very busy. She bosses the doctors around and refuses to let anyone she doesn’t know into her brother’s room. Clary is very grateful for that. Tessa and Magnus asked repeatedly if they can visit Alec and she doesn’t have the energy to fight them. She understands why they want to come, but it’s a decision Clary cannot make for Alec. If he wakes up, when he wakes up Clary corrects herself, he can decide if he wants to see them or not. Clary has no idea what he will do.

After a few days of watching Alec lie very still, too still, even Izzy is tired of fighting. With her last bit of energy she asks Underhill to sit outside Alec’s room to make sure no one can come in. Charlie makes her and Clary take a nap. Underhill and Luke end up taking shifts in front of the door. Clary is so grateful they are there to help. 

_

Magnus sighs when he sees Underhill is sitting outside Alexander’s room today. He had heard from Maia that Luke and Underhill took turns. If it had been Luke, Magnus is sure he could have convinced the man to just let him in for a minute. Underhill would be much more difficult. Mainly because the guy didn’t seem to like Magnus very much these days and he was under strict orders. Magnus decides he will try nonetheless, maybe the shadowhunter was in a good mood. 

Underhill hears him approach, “No.” Is all he says, only half-bothering to look up from his phone. 

“ _Please_ ,” Magnus begs and it kills him to beg something from a shadowhunter who is not Alexander. 

“I’m under orders.” Underhill shrugs, “I am sure Clary and Isabelle will find very creative ways to hurt me if I break said orders.” He looks unimpressed and returns to his phone. 

“Oh come on.” Magnus throws his hands in the air. “Just one minute?” He gives the shadowhunter a desperate look. “I just needs to know if he’s okay.” His voice quivers. 

“Look, Bane,” Underhill’s face softens, “If he wakes up and says you can come, I will be the first to call.” He says gently. Perhaps the shadowhunter wasn’t so cold-hearted after all, as Magnus had assumed. “We don’t know much more than you do.” He says apologetically.

“Thank you,” Magnus says gratefully. He leaves, because Underhill is right. Perhaps Alec should say it’s okay for him to come first. After all, Magnus was at least partially responsible for putting him there. He goes over all the things he should have done differently, starting with never breaking up with Alexander in the first place. He was such an idiot. How could he be several centuries old and still be such a damn fool?

_

Maryse rubs her hand through her eldest child’s hair. She sings him one of his favourite lullabies from when he was a little boy. She had always sworn to protect her children, how had she messed up this badly? She starts to cry and for once she doesn’t try to fight it. Her boy was hurting and she didn’t give a damn about whoever saw her pain and whatever they might think of it. 

She knew she was responsible. She had been an awful mother, allowing Robert to do as he pleased with them. Raising them with the same horrid ideas she had been raised with. She had failed to be there for her children, time after time. She had stayed with Robert, knowing she should leave him just because it strengthened her position on the council and within the Clave. It wasn’t strange they had become so estranged from her. She hadn’t even known Alec was hurting this badly. Her poor boy. She promises him that she will be a better parent from now on. For all of them. She needs to make this right again, pay for her mistakes. 

_

Clary walks into Alec’s room and watches as Maryse stands over him. It’s clear that she is crying and Clary realises this is one of the first times she has seen any type of emotion on the older woman’s face. 

“Oh Alexander,” Maryse sobs, stroking his forehead, “I’m so sorry my baby, please wake up.” Clary gets up from her chair and walks over to Maryse. She hugs the woman and hopes Alec hears the words he had always wanted to hear. 

“He’s gonna be fine.” Clary says crying, “He has to be.” Maryse starts the hug her back. Clary never thought she would see the day. She really hoped he would be okay.

_ 

Isabelle is somewhat grateful that Charlie stops her from destroying a vending machine, again. At this rate he was going to think she had an aggression problem. Perhaps she did, a little. Under high pressure. 

“Just come sit down for a moment, Isabelle.” Charlie says and gives her a rueful smile. “Please?” Isabelle nods. She is a teensy bit tired, although she wants to force herself to stay awake. Just in case Alec wakes up. She wants to hug him tightly and then yell at him to never ever put her through this again, maybe kick his ass and then hug him again. 

“You clearly love your brother a lot.” Charlie hands her a cup of coffee, and seriously where did he get that from? It must be a mundane secret, because she certainly unable to find any decent coffee around here. 

“He’s always been there for me, more so than our parents.” Isabelle sighs, “I feel like I failed him. Until recently I didn’t even know how much he was struggling.” 

“Perhaps he didn’t want to burden you with anything?” Charlie says. Knowing Alec that had been the case. Stupid idiot. 

_ 

“Charlie,” Clary asks, “How likely is it that he will recover?” She gives the doctor a hopeful look, although she knows not to hope too much. It had been two weeks already. 

“Well, his lung function is improving and he is nearly breathing on his own, which is positive.” Charlie says, “We just have no idea if he will have any lasting damage or if he has brain damage, until he wakes up. Even if he comes away with nothing, he will have a long way to go.” He gives her a sad look. 

“At least he is alive,” Clary says mostly to herself. She doesn’t bother holding back her tears anymore. Everyone was asleep right now, she didn’t have to be strong. Even if it was just for a few hours. She waits until Charlie leaves and then activates her stamina rune again. “Please wake up, Lightwood.” She mumbles. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nearing the end of this fic aaahhhh!!! I hope everyone likes it, I have said this before I think but this fic is like my little baby hehe

When Alec wakes up, it takes some time for his eyes to adjust to the light. Then with a pang of guilt and fear, he realises he must be in something of an infirmary. Except with a lot more beeping. He frowns, then hears a lot of excitement in the room. It takes a while to process. Right he hadn’t died, then? He didn’t know whether he was relieved or disappointed, mostly he just felt incredibly guilty. Being alive meant actually having to deal with that too. 

He’s glad there is doctor hovering over him so he doesn’t have to face anyone just yet. This is a mundane hospital, Alec notes. He had no recollection of ending up here but then again that hadn’t exactly been the point. You don’t try to kill yourself and plan to live. Another thing I can’t do, Alec thinks viciously. 

The doctor warns everyone not too crowd him too much and let him adjust first. He wonders if he should tell them anything. What do you say after you’ve just pulled a stunt like this? 

“So what’s up.” He hears Jace say and Alec has never been happier that the blond is his parabatai. Of course he could count on Jace to start the conversation and have any clue about how to handle this. 

“Hey,” He says and starts to cough violently. The doctor rushes over to him again. Alec isn’t sure what happens after that and only knows he probably fell asleep at one point. 

  
He wakes up again a few hours later, his throat still hurts and he is extremely tired. It feels like a suitable penalty for what he did to his loved ones. The more he thinks about it, the more shame he feels. 

“Hey,” Clary whisper, “You’re awake again.” She smiles at him. 

“Sorry,” Alec whispers back, everyone else seems to be asleep right now. He doesn't want to wake them yet. He isn’t sure he can look into their eyes yet, not without hating himself. “I’m so sorry.” He expects her to be angry. He expects everyone to hate him as much as he hates himself. 

“At least you are still here.” Clary lets out a relieved sigh and starts to cry a little, “You had me worried Lightwood.” She says softly. She isn’t angry, she just seems sad. It’s kind of confusing. 

“I’m sorry Clary,” He says, “I shouldn’t have. I’ve been so stupid.” He loathes himself for making Clary cry. His lip trembles a little. “I’m so sorry.” He can feel himself start to cry. 

“Please never put me through that again.” Clary begs and then hugs him tightly. “Please?” She looks so hopeful and Alec can’t say no to her. 

_

Clary just wants to hold Alec and never ever let go of him again. Though that would probably be selfish, she wasn’t the only one who had been worried for his life and she certainly wasn’t the only one who loved him. 

_ 

Magnus doesn’t know why he is surprised that Alec has asked for Tessa to visit him but had not allowed Magnus to come. He tries to pretend it doesn’t hurt. He also tries to pretend he doesn’t blame himself for all of this. Then he opens a bottle of whiskey, which was more expensive than he cared to remember. He especially doesn’t care about the pricetag when he finishes the bottle later that evening. It was a good thing he had learned to handle alcohol better than the average being.   

_

Clary´s sitting in a small coffee shop near the hospital with Jace. Alec had told her it was okay to leave and Jace had practically dragged her here. It was weird to be outside again, she had not seen a lot more than Alec´s hospital room the last few weeks. Jace was right in assuming she needed a change of scenery, it was just a little awkward to do so with him right now. Things hadn't been wonderful between them before Alec´s suicide attempt and they had not talked about any of that until now. Clary is dreading the conversation but she knows they both have things they need to say. 

“I guess I’m just insecure,” Clary focuses all her attention on her coffee cup, stirring the sugar and milk into it for a lot longer than necessary. She bites her lip and she can feel Jace watching her, “You have slept with more girls I can count, many of whom I even know and you won’t.” She sighs, she has to remind herself Jace is dreading this conversation as much as she is. “You won’t sleep with me and I respect that, I do but,” Tears start filling her eyes, “It makes me feel like I’m not good enough for you.” 

“You are perfect Clary,” Jace sounds troubled, “and I love you so much. More than anyone I have ever loved.” He takes a deep breath, “I’m so scared of ruining things between us and that’s why I am hesitant to take the next step.” He looks honestly frightened as he takes Clary’s hand. “I’ve been having nightmares ever since Lake Lynn and I am so terrified of losing you.” 

“I love you too,” Clary says, tears are streaming down her face now, “I didn’t realise things were this bad for you.” Her lip starts to tremble. She doesn’t know if it is sadness or fear. “Do you think it’s because of the wish I made?” She asks. She has to know. Maybe this is something they can fix. 

“I don’t know, Clary.” Jace admits, “That’s what scares me the most.” He leans forward to kiss her and she eagerly meets his lips. She was certain they would figure this out together. 

_ 

Alec is fairly certain his mother doesn't know he is awake or able to see her and Luke standing together. It's pretty adorable and a welcome distraction from the conversation he has planned with Tessa later this day. He can see Luke smiling at his mother and he thinks she squeezes his hand. Alec hoped she had found love in the werewolf. Despite all her flaws his mother deserved happiness. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter of this part! I hope everyone has enjoyed reading this and will want to read the sequel to this :) Thanks so much for reading it!
> 
> Again not beta'd, so sorry for any mistakes as always. 
> 
> Feel free to leave comments, kudos or say hi to me on twitter @eeveeraz or on my tumblr ne1lmilans.tumblr.com

Alec is glad the beeping of the machines he is hooked up to distracts Tessa, he feels too ashamed to properly face her. He knows he requested her to come but still. It was pretty terrifying to actually talk with her. He just feels a tad dramatic after everything that went down. He knows she wanted to explain right away, but he refused to listen. The idea she betrayed him still hurts too much. 

“Hi Alec,” Tessa looks smaller than usual. It reminds Alec that she is human, too. “I am glad you wanted to see me, I need to apologise to you.” 

Alec shrugs a little, “If you want to say you are sorry because I walked into the ocean, don't. I am pretty sure I did that myself.” 

“As your therapist it is my responsibility too.” Tessa sounds ashamed. “I have failed you.” She says gravely. “For that I am sorry.” 

Alec suddenly becomes very fascinated with the wall. He had a private room, which was probably only because Charlie wanted to sleep with Isabelle and he apparently had some pull around here. Not that Alec was complaining, he's been in an infirmary before and there are few things that are more annoying than other people bitching and moaning about whatever condition they have.

“I will admit I was hurt when I found out you knew I was a shadowhunter all along, especially because you know Magnus.” Alec starts to cough a little. Stupid lungs. “I trusted you with a lot of things.” 

“I didn't connect you and Magnus when you first came to me and I most certainly didn't tell him you were in therapy,” Tessa replies and sighs, “As for not mentioning I knew for a shadowhunter, I figured you didn't want to talk about that.” She sits down on one of the chairs. Alec turns to look at her. She was kind of right about that. It’s interesting she had been able to read him that well. 

“I’m part shadowhunter,” Tessa continues, “I used to live among them for a long time.” Her mind seemed elsewhere for a moment but then she turns her focus back to Alec. “Usually when a shadowhunter seeks mundane help, it is because the Clave cannot help them or because they do not want the Clave to know.” Tessa looks down, “I assumed that was the case and by the time I realised you and Magnus knew each other, it was already too late.” 

“It's okay,” Alec surprises himself by this but somehow he knows she is telling the truth. “It’s alright, I believe you.” He manages to smile at her. “But,” He wonders, “You must have known my parents were in the Circle. Why did you still help me?” It's honestly confusing to him. 

“Because it isn't fair to blame someone for their family’s faults.” Tessa says softly. Then she shares the story of her brother, the horrid things he had done. It pained Alec that she had known so much hardship too and made him respect her all the more. 

Tessa is about the leave when Alec speaks up again, “Wait,” He says softly, “Can you ask Magnus to come? If he still wants to…” 

Tessa smiles at him gently, “Of course.” Her voice is soft and warm. Alec is glad he took the time to talk to her, a lot of things are clearer to him now and he no longer doubts Magnus's intentions. He hopes the older man will come. 

_

Magnus has never portalled anywhere faster in his life. It was quite the experience when you were drunk, a little nauseating, but he just wants to see Alexander. Finally, finally, the young shadowhunter had asked for him! 

_

Alec half expects Magnus to portal into his room, he paces around the place for at least an hour until notices the warlock portals just outside it. That means he hadn't been in here yet, not until Alec had asked for him. It warms Alec’s heart. 

_ 

Magnus opens the door to Alec’s room and he is still a little wobbly. He doesn't know what caused it, the portal or the copious amount of alcohol he consumed. He tries to focus on walking straight, but he doesn't quite pull it off yet. It embarrasses Magnus a little bit because he is quite sure Alec will notice. “Alexander.” He says, slightly slurring. 

Alec gets up from his bed and walks closer to Magnus. “Magnus,” He says softly. His face is so gentle and vulnerable. He places a hesitant hand on Magnus’s cheek and Magnus leans into the touch. 

“Hey,” Magnus mumbles. He once again regrets drinking this much. It wasn't a good look when you were trying to impress someone. 

“Are you drunk? Alec whispers. Magnus nods in reply.

“A little bit.” His voice breaks.

“Come back when you are sober,” The words seem to take Alec a lot of strength. “Please?” The words are barely audible. “I don't want either of us to say something we regret. We have heard each other enough.” 

Magnus nods again. Alec drops his hand and smiles at Magnus. He never expected to see that look again, especially not directed at him. 

Alec takes Magnus’s hand and kisses it lightly, “See you soon.” He says and it sounds so tender. Magnus wants to remember this moment forever. 

_

Charlie walks by Alec Lightwood’s room as he arrives for his morning shift and sees him embrace another man. Was this the famous Magnus Bane then? Isabelle was very vague about these things, about anything that somehow related to her personal life, like she was guarding an important secret. What she couldn’t hide was how much she cared about her family. Charlie likes that in a person. He smiles in amusement on his way to the coffee machine. 

_ 

Alec motions for Magnus to sit on his bed. They sit together closely, barely leaving any space between them. Alec supposes they both craved this closeness after spending all these excruciating months apart. There had been so many misunderstandings, so much heartache and painful moments. Alec just wants to make it right. 

“It’s my fault you are here.” Magnus says softly. It kills Alec to hear this and he shakes his head rapidly. 

“No, Magnus, no.” He chokes on the words a little. “It’s not. I don’t get why you and Tessa blame yourselves so much.” Alec bites the inside of his cheek, “I was fucked up way before I met either of you.” He looks down. He wishes Magnus wouldn’t look at him like that, it makes him feel exposed and maybe even loved. Alec isn’t sure he can cope with one more person loving him but he craves it all the same. Everything is so incredibly confusing.

“Alexander.” Magnus’s voice is so, so tender. Their hands find a way to each other, without any thought at all. They still fit perfectly together. 

_

“Please show me your eyes?” Alec whispers shyly. He is absentmindedly playing with the rings on Magnus’s fingers and Magnus realises how much he had missed little things like this. He nods at Alec and drops the glamour from his eyes, removing the last barrier between them. They were both there, in all their pureness. Just him and Alexander. 

“Where do we start?” Magnus says, his voice soft as well. He feels vulnerable, but he figures Alec will feel like that too. 

“I don’t know,” Alec admits, “At the beginning? That’s what Tessa always says.” 

Magnus smiles at him fondly, “She does say that.” He says. “I suppose she has a point.” 

Alec crunches up his nose and smiles a little, “I missed you.” He mumbles. He is stroking Magnus’s hand. 

“I missed you too.” Magnus says, leaning his head against Alec’s forehead. “Let’s figure this out together.” 

_

Alec isn't entirely sure where he and Magnus stand right now. At least they were talking now and he knew talking was important. That was the most important thing he had learned. He needs to actually use his words or else no one notices him. He had become so good at disappearing that even his family sort of forgot he was a human being too. Jace and Izzy acted out, so their behaviour stood out. Alec dressed in black, kept himself in the background. He was so used to living in his siblings’ shadows, he never expected anyone to see him. Until Magnus did. It still felt like a lie to him. 

He knows they won't be able to fix all the things that came between them quickly. It will take a lot of time and effort and willpower. He thinks their love for each other is strong enough to withstand the tests they have to face. He hopes it is. 

He's been talking with Tessa too, to see if he can trust her enough to continue their therapy sessions. He wants to trust her completely again but he realises that may take time too. 

The hospital put him in the psych ward. Alec wasn't sure how to feel about that. He is glad Clary has remained a constant by his side. She is the only person he feels totally safe with these days. It was sad that she was the only one but he was glad he has her at least.

Magnus opens Alec’s room, though not before knocking. “Good morning, Alexander.” He says softly. At moments like these Alec feels the distance between them. Both men are unsure of how to behave. They were closer but still far apart. He finds himself wanting to close the space between them, but like many things recently Alec just doesn't know how. 

“Hey.” Alec mumbles quietly. Magnus hands him a cup of coffee. Alec takes it gratefully. He could use a decent cup, he still doesn't feel quite awake. The entire world feels a bit blurry to him. Like it keeps spinning but too fast for him to keep up so he just watches everything pass by. 

“Do you...uhm...want to talk?” Magnus says awkwardly. Alec nods and pats on his bed. The warlock sits down next to him and Alec thinks he looks a bit more hopeful than he did on previous visits. He feels similar to that. 

“I think I definitely moved a little bit too fast.” Alec says, he doesn't dare to look at Magnus. “What we had, felt so good and like I finally found something that made me happy so I just wanted… more I guess?” He starts to cough a little bit and pretends not to notice Magnus staring at him. He needed to get the words out or he would freak out again, like he always does. “And then I felt jealous because I realised you loved so many people before me and it made me feel a bit,” Alec sighs, he can feel the tears burning in his eyes, “meaningless. But I’ve not taken your feelings into consideration and your issues and it wasn’t fair to force myself on you like that.” The tears start to fall now. He feels Magnus wipe them away. 

“You didn’t force yourself, Alexander,” Magnus says, sorrow lingering in his voice. “I haven’t been fair to you either. I have made many mistakes, many. I have had a lot of time and apparently I’ve mostly gotten older and not necessarily wiser.” They both laugh a little, the tension leaving the room bit by bit. “I blamed everything on you because I didn’t want to face my own fears.” 

Alec looks at Magnus, “Mags.” He whispers. “I guess we both blamed the other in a way and in a way you were right, this is my first relationship. I have no idea what to expect or do, but I can learn and I would like to learn with you if that’s still something you want.” He looks down again, too scared he will be rejected by someone yet again. 

“I think there are things I need to learn too,” Magnus lifts Alec’s head and smiles a little, “Tessa yelled at me about that for a good hour.” Alec starts to grin. Bless Tessa, he thinks, she would of course. “I would like to do so with you too.” He says softly. Alec places a soft kiss on Magnus’s lips. 

“Let’s learn from each other then.” He says sweetly. “Let’s actually continue this whole communicating thing, my therapist says it’s pretty great.” Magnus laughs at that and kisses him again. “Be mine?” Alec asks. 

“Always.” Magnus says and Alec is pretty sure he can live with always. They would make things work this time around. He was certain of it. It was amazing how much his life had changed, he felt ready to face everything and anything now. He decided to get Clary something lovely, without her he wouldn’t have made it this far. His family felt closer now, Magnus was back in his life and they were working on their issues and he had more friends than ever. He would make it. 

 


End file.
